I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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