final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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