Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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