I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
