Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
