dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
