Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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