Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
