We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Randomize
