It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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