Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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