Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
