I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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