I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Two words: blizzard sex
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
