I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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