WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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