just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
