I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
