I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
