you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
