god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
