I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
