You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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