On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
