i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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