you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Randomize
