rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
she peed on how many people?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Randomize
