i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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