He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.đź’¨
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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