if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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