Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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