I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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