Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
