my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I want to be your penis for a week.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.