Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?