I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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