i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet