If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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