I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
