this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
This toilet bowl is my home.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
