Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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