btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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