i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
