Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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