i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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