I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
