Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
