I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
