I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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