I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
