Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
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I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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