the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
