i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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