he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
In other news, I just burned my penis
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
