We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
