You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
