I just pynch a tree in the face
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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