Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
My liver just had a heart attack.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
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