i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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