I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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