Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
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The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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