i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Too much gin, very little bucket
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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