New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
